Part 29: Working for Barnaby

(I made this from a used coconut sugar box, lined it with Bristol board, drew the wooden floor and beams with an ink pen, painted the panels, and created little bookcases from bits of Bristol board, painting them gold. - Chaiga T. Cheska)
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Being an account of an unexpected short-term stint of employment under the beady-eyed supervision of a hamster who perhaps is not well suited to managerial positions.

Compiled by Bramwell Corin, who did not request this experience and has a new and profound terror of unscheduled fluffy hugs.
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The season had been changing gradually from warm summer days to chilly evenings. Then it descended into steady sheets of rain that seemed intent on saturating every area the Wandering Library tried to escape to. As a result, several times, we, the staff, had to dig our Library out of the mud with spades made for us by the Library from old tomes, a generous offer to aid us, but they became soggier than we would have liked the longer we fought the mud and wet.

Eventually, the Wandering Library admitted defeat and parked itself on the edge of a meadow that was a little less soggy than the rest of MirMarnia, then shuffled itself beneath some large trees with wide canopies to shelter from the deluge.

Now I realise that being in a Library on a dark, rainy day is most people’s idea of a lovely day for reading and cosying up by a fire, dreamily looking out at the rainy landscape. I used to be one of those people who loved that sort of day, disappearing into a big book and perhaps even indulging in an accidental nap. But when you live and work inside a Library that walks around and attempts to find shelter from the constant deluge day after day, one begins to wish for other activities. One often gets very bored doing the same thing day after day and starts to speculate on whether one is actually working on a boat or indeed a perambulating archive!

Prior to the events I’m documenting here, my younger colleague, Pip, and I were fully engaged in a prank war that stemmed from previous accounts, beginning with an unfortunate reveal of a left buttock. My younger colleague perceived this incident as being planned on my part, which I completely disagree with! The prank war between us has been stimulating and slightly unnerving in equal measure, and perhaps it is the reason both of us were unprepared for what took place next.

I believe events unfolded shortly after I left a dollop of glue on the seat of my younger colleague’s chair, which was initially an accident. I was standing in a rather precarious position, attempting to reglue a section of our bulletin board that had begun to lose its rather decorative paper frame and having a pot of glue already on my desk, I felt it was the best use of my time whilst waiting for my trouser legs to dry after a recent foray digging out the Library from a muddy bank. Contrary to my younger colleague’s opinion, I did in fact notice the dollop of glue when it happened. Still, as I perceived him in the midst of spooning more salt into my tea across the room, I decided not to mention it, in favour of using it as retaliation for a salty cup of tea.

Because of this, I record here that I had thought my colleague was at least observant enough to notice extra dollops of glue, would respond accordingly, and would avoid sitting on said dollop. Therefore, when Pip sat on his chair, I should not be at fault for his obliviousness.

Pip’s Account

Bramwell, STOP mentioning the buttock!!! Why? Didn’t we learn anything the last time this happened?! Is this another form of retaliation? It’s so unfair! And I AM OBSERVANT! Thank you very much! Putting salt in your tea is NOT the same as letting me sit in glue!!!!

It was SOOO unprofessional to have to ask Thaddeus to physically separate me from my chair, and to have my britches tear in the most UNPROFESSIONAL place to have a tear!!!

I am, for the first time in a long time, VERY grateful for my magical waistcoat, which grew me a new pair of britches that hopefully will be strong enough to withstand your “accidental” glue dollops!

Thaddeus’s Reflections

I find this prank war amusing.

I have suggestions for pranks if either of you is interested.

Bramwell’s Account

Thank you, Thaddeus, but at this moment in time, I don’t believe I require your assistance, as I am in the midst of logging the events for the recent week, as you may have noticed before our younger colleague’s immature outburst.

Pip’s Account

Immature?! ME?! If you’re so mature, why don’t you stop the prank war then?!

Bramwell’s Account

Um… right. Getting back on track with my recounting for the record of this last week’s events, following the unfortunate gluing of my younger colleague to his seat and his subsequent extraction with the kind assistance of Thaddeus, I overheard Pip mumbling under his breath whilst glaring at me and looking wistfully at Barnaby in his miniature library, that, and I quote, “I bet working with Barnaby is less hazardous than this!”

Initially, I thought nothing of it and even felt slightly sorry for the boy, as he had a weary look about him that made me reflect that perhaps a break from our prank war was in order, or at least that it might be beneficial to refocus on our library duties for a change. What I realise, and seem to forget frequently, is that I live and work in a sentient Wandering Library who listens to everything within its walls, is quite magical and can manifest things on a whim, and is mentally about the age of a ten-year-old human child. Therefore, if something piques its imagination, such as having its current staff working in a miniature library, it will make this happen without consulting anyone beforehand.

All I can say is that one moment I was having this reflection of empathy for my younger colleague, and the next I was standing in a cluster with my colleagues Thaddeus and Pip, face to face with a rather surprised Barnaby the hamster, who was now taller than Thaddeus and extremely fluffy; the hamster, not Thaddeus. Thaddeus has never been fluffy.

All around us was the miniature library that the Wandering Library had created for Barnaby the hamster several weeks before, taking up space on a portion of Thaddeus’s desk. It’s not a full library, you understand, but rather a selection of shelves, quite a lot of books, a tea trolley, a few step ladders, a desk or two with some chairs, and a bit of wall with a corner and a fake fireplace. The floor is wooden, just like in our normal library, with a few woven rugs here and there, and there’s one window that looks out on our normal library and, from our vantage point in our little cluster, looked positively enormous! It was fascinating and terrifying all at once, especially as Barnaby, now a giant hamster to us, was just sniffing at us and peering at us with his beady black eyes, whilst clasping his delicate hands over his satin waistcoat.

I must say that it felt a bit like being at an interview I hadn’t expected to attend, waiting for our interviewer to make a declaration!

Instead of saying anything profound, Barnaby blinked a few times, then yawned dramatically, revealing some significantly terrifying teeth, and ambled off on all fours to sit with his nose in the corner of the room, where he proceeded to chew noisily on the edge of the fireplace, a jarring sound that had Pip gripping my arm and squeaking in fright.

Pip’s Account

I love all animals, most of the time, and Barnaby is soooo sweet, but being SMALLER than a hamster is terrifying!!! His TEETH!!! I think the reason we were not eaten is that he recognised us as his friends… or at least I hope that was the reason. Even though I was in the midst of a prank war with Bramwell, I was glad that somehow the Library sent Bramwell and Thaddeus to join me in the miniature library, as it would have been soooo scary on my own!

I’m SO glad I took off my top hat before all this happened, and that Pemberton was not reduced to a miniature chicken, as I know she would have hated it!

Bramwell’s Account

We stayed and watched Barnaby for a few moments, just trying to adjust to our new environment. When Barnaby continued to chew on the side of the fireplace and showed no signs of updating us on the state of his miniature library’s shelving requirements, we began to explore slowly, having nothing else to do and still within our working hours.

I must admit the miniature library’s limited collection was rather substantial and yet a bit perplexing. Whilst it had a fairly interesting selection of books on the different varieties of biscuits favoured by different species of rodents across various realms, it seemed to have a filing system that reflected different bite marks on the spines of the books, with one bite on books on the lower shelves, two bites on the middle shelves, and three bites on the upper shelves. All three of us wandered around trying to make sense of the shelving system and to see if we could improve it in some way, not really fully understanding the system beyond the number of bite marks. We were in the midst of considering the reshelving of a section in the middle aisles consisting of books on the topic of the speed at which hamsters traverse sandy landscapes, when Barnaby appeared, crouched on the top shelf directly above, and caused our younger colleague, Pip, to fall into a dead faint, which I believe must have been the result of suddenly seeing a large fluffy hamster appear directly above his head on the shelves.

Pip’s Account

I did NOT faint!!! I was just startled, that’s all! You’re so dramatic, Bramwell! Besides, I was tired and just needed a brief rest, as shelving in general can be tiring, especially when being hypervigilant for DAYS because SOMEONE is PRANKING ME all the time!!!

Thaddeus’s Reflections

I shelve the section in our Library on Blood Pressure and can categorically say that Pip demonstrated the classic fainting episode after having just had a shock.

I suggest breathing more deeply on a regular basis when encountering giant hamsters. It is likely to help prevent fainting.

Pip’s Account

It’s possible I may have had a moment, but it was NOT a faint!!!

Bramwell’s Account

Getting back on track, please, gentlemen!

After Pip fainted….Yes, I said fainted! I saw this as a good opportunity to address our Wandering Library and requested that it kindly transport our younger colleague to his bedroom, where he could recover, be returned to his normal size, and be less likely to have giant hamsters jump out at him. Of course, our Library is very fond of Pip, and I immediately felt a sense of worry from the normal sized Library overhead. Then Pip vanished from his unconscious state, and Thaddeus and I presumed our colleague was safely installed in his bedroom, recovering from his fright.

Pip’s Account

I would like it stated for the record that I DIDN’T faint, no matter what Bramwell writes! And I wasn’t transported to my bedroom. I was returned to my normal size and fell out of the ceiling at the front entrance onto our freelance colleague, Maerwynn, who was just returning from some sort of expedition. I know I scared her out of her mind when I fell out of the ceiling and landed on her like a sack of potatoes! It was SOOO embarrassing and unprofessional!!

I’m glad she didn’t mind too much and that she sort of caught me. I think she’s got really good reflexes because of all her adventures outside the Wandering Library, doing exciting things. She mostly studies the different types of elves in MirMarnia, so perhaps that’s why her reflexes are so good. I did feel bad for knocking her to the ground, though. After we untangled from each other, I told her what had just happened, which took a longish time to explain properly, as she first thought a giant hamster was in the library and sort of wandering about scaring people. But eventually, I pulled her over to Thaddeus’s desk and showed her the miniature library that had been made for Barnaby weeks ago, which she’d not been here for, and we saw the sweetest thing!

Barnaby was sitting on one of the tiny desks, chewing sleepily on a low bookshelf, whilst Bramwell and Thaddeus were sort of held in a little hug in each of Barnaby’s sweet, fluffy little arms. Even though my colleagues looked slightly freaked out, it really made me laugh, and though I did want to leave them like that to see what would happen, I decided to rescue them and distracted Barnaby with a peanut biscuit, which immediately released my colleagues from his embrace.

I thought they were going to be stuck being tiny forever, but then we heard the clip-clopping sounds of Mistress Spine coming down the corridor. I think the Wandering Library got as scared as I did, and suddenly Bramwell and Thaddeus were returned to their normal size, looking a little fluffy and covered in biscuit crumbs, just as Mistress Spine walked into the room and stared at them. It was scary and hilarious at the same time! I do admit, I hid behind both of them as Mistress Spine gave them a LOOK that was dangerous!

Bramwell’s Account

I do feel that Barnaby was merely pleased to have Thaddeus and me on hand to explore his miniature library. Though hamsters may not be very well versed in polite etiquette, his impromptu hug was a little startling. I don’t think it was meant as a threat, though I can categorically say that I am happy not to repeat another unscheduled hug from a fluffy rodent anytime soon.

Feeling that our unplanned expedition into a hamster’s library was enough adventure for at least a month, Pip and I have agreed to take a rest from our prank war for the time being, whilst we recover our nerves. I have since shared my experience with Mistress Spine about the curious little books in the miniature library, and we have both decided that there should be a dedicated section of our main Wandering Library devoted to miniature books, complete with miniature bookshelves, rooms, doors, corridors, windows, displays, and the occasional comfy sofa for miniature visitors to enjoy reading on rainy afternoons. We have reflected that this would make our establishment more accessible and open to individuals of miniature stature who may enjoy a spot of quiet browsing and reflective reading.

Maerwynn has been most helpful in this new section of the library, as she has recently been visiting a fascinating new elvish community in which the elves insist they are called “elves” and not “pixies” or “fairies”, which they find deeply insulting. For this reason, we are making adjustments to our miniature section of the Library so that all species of elves and magical beings are welcome to visit, regardless of the species they identify as.

Thaddeus’s Reflections

Maerwynn often looks at me in a way I cannot understand. I have affixed this reflection to her forehead.

I have decided to enter into a secret prank war with my colleagues Bramwell and Pip, who got me involved in a miniature library where I experienced my pet hamster in a terrifying perspective I did not ask for and also because Pip admitted to considering leaving me to be hugged by a hamster who may have had other intentions.

Pip’s Account

NO, THADDEUS!! Please, don’t prank me! I would NEVER have left you or Bramwell in danger! PLEASE! No pranks!

Besides, it’s not really a secret if you’ve already told us! In an OFFICIAL RECORD!! So unprofessional!!

Bramwell’s Closing Note

Well, that… that’s an interesting turn of events, Thaddeus. I am not exactly sure why you would see me as the cause of your unexpected experience. I believe I conducted myself in a highly professional manner throughout our ordeal and can’t see why you would feel the need to launch a prank war on me, your own colleague.

Mistress Spine’s Conclusion

The only ounce of professionalism in these records is my words here in this conclusion!

Having said that, I hereby endorse Thaddeus’s successful prank war, as I feel that my assistant and junior librarians are in need of a wake-up.